Serendipity Words

So much has happened since the last blog post I made. I expected to come out and say something magical happened but that’s not the case. You see the past few weeks I’ve struggled. I’ve struggled mentally more than anything.

I am doing enough and is it sufficient to keep going? Is everything that’s happening to teach me or hurting me? Am I doing the right thing? What can I do to be better? Why can’t anyone see me screaming? Am I screaming? hello? Anyone? Ok, I guess it’s time to keep my head down and push. Man, this road is lonely. Why are these my thoughts? I was doing so well. If someone looks at me surely they can see me struggling. Maybe? Help? Anyone?

These are just some of the thousands of thoughts that have crossed my mind lately. Yet if you ask how I’m doing, I’ll say I’m tired but doing good. Why? Why can’t I just be honest and say hey I’m weak right now. I could really use some motivation and conversation. Why can’t I just say the things I want to? We base so much of ourselves on how everyone perceives us. This alone is killing society. We don’t want to be viewed as weak or broken. Yet there’s a catch with all of this. Hurt people hurt people. Whether they mean to or not. They become the very people they swore growing up they wouldn’t be. I’m no different. In any of the slightest degrees. This all stems from one comment today alone that made me stop dead in my tracks. So here’s a little back story.

I bowl competitively. I bowled in a couple of leagues and did well and so people started to watch. This person watched me bowl one time before their comment. However, that night they watched me bowl I was doing the best I could because I wanted to not let the people that invited me down. Saturday, I bowled in a doubles tournament and had a lady come up and tell me I LOOK like a bowler. I bowled 3 games with her and did the best I could and ended up with my partner advancing to the finals. We didn’t make it past that. However, today was an entirely different situation. I had another tournament that was ladies-only. I didn’t bowl my best and I got frustrated and stayed in my head which made a comeback impossible. At the end of the tournament, a different lady’s only comment to me was ” Are you humbled now?”.

The thoughts that crossed my mind went from anger at myself to anger at her. But she was right. I should be humbled. But there was a catch. I did not go into the tournament saying I was best and I was going to sweep everyone under the rug and that be it. I did quite the opposite. I thought I would do well but I didn’t even intend to place. But it sparked a different fire within me. It made me question myself. Am I? Am I humble or am I boisterous? Am I humble or am I cocky? What can I do to make sure nobody tells me I need to be humble?

4 words affected my entire day. 4 words that changed my entire mindset. 4 words that I don’t want to be said to me ever because it means that I allowed myself to be displayed as superior. Failure is where the lessons are learned. Being humble teaches you to walk in the strides that are thrown at you. those 4 words counter everything that I have worked hard against. I want to be humble so that I can learn. I want to be humble in everything I do because that means there is still room for growth. If I cant grow then I’ve already failed.

So friends, are you humbled now?